Fuck I'm almost 110lbs. That means I've gained two thirds of the freshman fifteen. God, I really need to stop eating. So no more desserts. Some serious fasting. Smaller portions. Tea, tea, tea. Hot things, like soup.

I'll check my weight again in a week.

I wonder if anyone still reads this

I've stopped writing on here. I've gained some weight, but I feel a bit happier and more comfortable with myself. The last time I weighed myself, I was around 102 lbs. It doesn't bother me so much anymore, though I'd still like to lose weight.

My values have changed a bit. I feel more and more in love with the world. I feel more and more forgetful of important things like health and my family.

I now attend MIT, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and I am planning to major in Course 8, which is physics, and maybe minor in creative writing and astronomy. It still blows my mind that I got into such a top-tier school. MIT was honestly the closest thing I had to a dream school, and now it's a dream come true...

The people here are surprisingly not as nerdy-seeming as people make it seem. The east side of campus is filled with alternative indie hipsters and hippies and other cool kids that like to dye their hair and look scary, and they do cool things like build roller coasters for the freshman during orientation. The west side is filled with the more preppy kids who like to party in the more typical sense. And yet, everyone is  incredibly brilliant, and it is scary and intimidating.

I still like to revert to my room and write my nights away, though I find there is less and less time for that.

I hope you are all doing well, and that you all find some beauty in simple, everyday things like clear skies and shimmering stars.

Classes start tomorrow, but a diet starts today. Coffee and healthy things for breakfast, fruit and soup for lunch, and protein for dinner, along with a nice work out and a lot of walking.

So I'm actually sort of following my plan. Or at least more so than usual, haha.

intake:

• breakfast: sandwich, orange, tea, coffee (200)
• at school: sandwich, chewy bar (220)
• at home: coffee, two packets of rice crackets, a spoon of ice cream, and a strawberry (130)
• before dinner: half a zucchini walnut muffin from starbucks (250)
• dinner: bowl of spaghetti with a pork chop and some broccolli (700?)
• -walking home (-50)
• -cycling machine for 15 min (-50)
• 4 minute workout (-  )
• =1400

okay that sucked, but today was the first time in a while that I haven't snacked after dinner or had seconds of spaghetti because i absolutely love it, so that was nice. Plus, regarding the muffin, my mother bought it for me because she knew it was my favorite. 

I'm actually kind of proud of myself, because for the longest time after dinner, I was craving for more food just because it's become a habit, but then I thought to check thinspo sites and it made me rethink it. I realized I want to be skinny more than I want to eat. 

I think I'll stay up an hour or so later to finish my acorn notes. 

tomorrow:

-Homework:

• physics notes maybe
• calc shit
• maybe something small for english
• study for chemistry test the next day
• apush: charts, theses (but I doubt I'll get to it, it's not a priority)

-plan:

• wake up and do the 4 minute workout and shower
• stay in during lunch to work on some chemistry
• go home and nap till 5
• do physics, calc, english by 7 and do not use the computer at all
• shower, wash my hair, eat dinner
• study for chemistry
• sleep before 12

-calorie plan

• breakfast: leftover spaghetti and porkchop (500)
• at school: sandwich with betternpeanutbutter (200)
• at home/afterschool: tea, 1 packet of rice crackers, an orange (100)
• dinner: whatever the rents make (500)
• -15 min cycle (-50)
• -4 minute workout (-  )
• =1250

Plan

Tomorrow, I have minimum day and open house for school.

Homework to finish:

• physics
• calculus
• chemistry
• apush soapss
• apush notes
• apush acorn
• apush charts
• apush theses

Well, I guess that's for like the whole week.

But diet plan for the week:

• eat between 1000-1500 calories each day
• do the 4 minute workout each day
• exercise bike for ten minutes each day, or roll it over to the next
• drink three water bottles each day, at least one at school

tomorrow's plan:

• do four minute workout when I wake up
• go to the apush session after school, 1-2
• chemistry 2-3 or whenever
• walk home (yay for some exercise)
• nap till five
• do calculus homework, physics if any, and apush soapss, bs notes
• eat dinner
• work on acorn outline
• read up on physics

calorie plan:

• breakfast: sandwich (120) orange (70) coffee (0)
• at school: sandwich (120) chewy bar (100)
• at home/afterschool: coffee and rice crackers (100)
• dinner: whatever the rents make (500)
• -4 minute workout
• -walk home 20 min
• -stationary cycle 10 min
• =1000 cals 

sounds good, I just need to resist extra chewy bars and ice cream (it's in my favorite flavor.. dreyers fun flavor drumstick, it's vanilla ice cream with chocolate swirls and chocolate covered peanuts and waffle cone pieces)

I weigh 100 at night, which is bad. It's where I started over a year ago, which sucks. 

Well, I guess I should get sleeping. I can't believe I wasted another fucking day just going on the computer...

Oddly, I wasn't very hungry at all today.  I had four pieces of meat in the morning at around 9:30 and didn't eat anything, only drinking tea and water until around 7pm, when I went out to a thai restaurant with m father and brother. I ate until I was semi full there. When I got home, I had some nuts, and I just made myself some diet hot chocolate instead of giving in to a sudden ice cream craving.

Intake:
- 4 pieces of meat (200?)
- half a plate of pad see ew (400)
- thai bbq beef (300)
- thai tea (300?)
- iced hot coco with some milk (100)
= around 1300

Yesterday's weight: 98.6 lbs
Today's weight: 97.2 lbs

The difference in my weight is pretty odd, but I'm not complaining. I weighed myself around the same time at night and in the same clothes too.

Just thought I'd post a bit to avoid homework.

So I'm an antisocial nerd, but I'm in a social club. It's sort of like a high school sorority, focusing on sisterhood, service, and social. There's about 20 different social clubs, some for girls, some for boys, among five different schools in my area. You have to try out to get into one. It was sort of an accident, me trying out. I didn't realize what I was getting myself into freshman year. My friend just asked me to try out with her, and I, having nothing to better to do, agreed. But because of my antisocial tendencies, I didn't get hazed that much because the other girls could never find me. I made it into the club, but I felt awkward and uncomfortable. It's supposed to be a sisterhood, so all the other girls were already close to each other. They were also outgoing and I guess I found them a bit intimidating. Nevertheless, with all the weekly meetings and other social events throughout the years, I found myself getting comfortable around everyone. I never really thought I would, but I became pretty close to them. They all mean a lot to me. The club's really grown on me.

I'm the president now, but it's such an awkward position for me. I don't know how to take charge and stuff at all. It makes me feel a bit out of place, to be honest.

Today was a bad day. I dropped my phone in the toilet at school during lunch; it fell out of my pocket, bounced on the seat, fell into the water, and sunk. It won't turn on now, and I feel incredibly guilty because my cousin had given me that phone. Yet, at the same time, I didn't feel very sad at all, because I knew more than I thought I would that it was just a meaningless material possession. Still, I miss it. The phone I have resorted back to absolutely sucks in comparison.

I also lost my pen in the restroom. I forgot to stay in after class to talk to my teacher like he had asked of me, and when another student reminded me the next period, I felt incredibly stupid, because I've been doing so many careless things lately. When I got home after school, I realized I forgot my keys and had to walk to my grandmother's house next door to borrow hers. Then, I had a social event with the club and thought it didn't go bad really, it gave me a headache. I also ate way too much bad stuff there.

I realize things really aren't all that bad, but I'm just frustrated with myself. I also completely bsed my essay and turned in the shortest essay I've written since elementary school (not even a page long, single spaced; in fact, this post is even longer) and I feel disappointed in myself for that. I'm really screwing myself over lately.

Today's intake:
- peanut butter banana sandwich (300)
- cereal (110)
- sandwich with ham lunchmeat (140)
- half peanut butter banana sandwich (150)
- two pices of spam masubi (500)
- two donut holes (110)
- two dumplings (90)
- half cup of coke (50)
- two mini pizzas (150)
- some chips (200)
= 1800

I realize I start off too many sentences with "I" but it's just what comes most naturally to me, don't ask why.

Ate way too much today ):

peanut butter banana sandwich (300)
ham sandwich (150)
cereal (100)
some chips, two dumplings, three oreo balls, a spoonful of pasta (600)
1/4 philly cheese steak burger (150)
some fries (100)
7 hot wings (500?)
= 1900

It really didn't feel like much when I was eating it all though. We had a club event, where I ate all the chips and stuff. And then we went out to eat hot wings after. I wish I knew how many calories were really in it all.

I had fun today though. 

I really want to get these tights, but they're like $20 plus $7 shipping ):